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Dying to the hands of love

Updated: Sep 30, 2022

Its a cloudy warm day in vancouver Bc, im biking back home still excited atfer getting a fresh haircut, I can still smell that great vanilla like cream that was on my hair, I feel refreshed, at the same time nervous and a bit scared, im about to enter a realm that I have never lived before, the realm of DMT.

I dont know what to expect, all I know about DMT is that the pineal gland secretes this substance when dreaming and when the body is about to die. I am nervous as fuck. I open the back door of the basement, where I live with my brother, park my bike and rush to my room to light an incense and set up the purple lightbulbs I have in my bedroom, I take a quick shower and change to a fresh white new set of clothes so I can sit down in my comfy blue meditation mat and close my eyes to drift into my mind. My thoughts are going wild all I can hear is "okay this is the moment" "I wonder what will happen", after 20 minutes of meditating I get up and I think, its time.

I go to the corner of my room where I have a piece of forniture that resembles a grey locker without doors, this is where I keep the incense, scential oils, cannabis, my bong and my rick and morty box.

I grab my bong and reach out to my rick and morty box, the place where I stash my trippiest ideas and relics, I put my hand in, trying to get that little sandwich bag that has written in black sharpie "Changa" the bag contains a weird brown mix of plants and what looks to be seeds or roots. I admire the mix for a second in awe as the purple comfy environemnt is iniviting me to sit down on my bed, play some music and start this journey into the unknown.

I grab the mix and put it into the bowl of the bong, my heart is pounding and my breathing gets faster, "im about to drift off into another reality"- I think. As I'm about to take my first hit I smile and say "let's go, it's time".

I put mouth in the bong and take a big inhale, as im watching this brown mix burn I start to almost instantly feel light headed, like reality is about to fade away, I think "Im going to do another one, bigger this time" so I lean into the bong and put my lungs to work, as im holding that smooth light grey almost white smoke in my mouth, and I know its time to go, everything starts to feel like its not real, I can see my room but its distorting in ways I have never experienced, all I want to do is close my eyes.

I try to hold onto my bong as I feel its slipping off my hands while my body is trying to get a grasp of that is going on so I just let go off the bong as I listen to how its plastic body hits the ground I am floating down into my bed, forgetting that the bong even exists.

I feel an extreme sense of relaxation and overwhelm, "i dont know if im ready for this"' I think, I start noticing my heartbeat getting faster and my breath going deeper, Im feeling like im about to die and that nothing can stop it. I grab my hair in desperation, looking to feel that I'm real. "This is it" "I dont know if im ready to die" "what will happen with my body?", I think, and then I hear a thought, a thought so contrasting that is unnoticable, "'let go" "just surrender to the feeling". I focus on that thought, as it guides me to drift away, I go from noticing those thoughts, to noticing my breath and I hear, "let go off the wanting to breathe, just trust". And so I do, I do as this angelic thought says, guiding me through my death.

Everything turns black, theres no breath, in fact theres not even a body, all there is pure nothingness, I feel like im floating in space but theres not stars or planets, I know they are there though, then, I start noticing a thought coming at the distance, "This is love it said, this is all there is." I notice my heart beating again and I take a deep breath, as im settling back into my body trying to understand that I am a human being lying in bed with my eyes closed, trying to understand that I am named Benja and trying to understand what I just experienced.

I stay in bed for a couple of hours, it must be 9 pm by now, "how did I go from being everything, back to being someone?" I keep thinking. Then I clearly noticed, the only thing limiting me from being everything is my thoughts of who I think to be, trying to find meaning in what I can't understand brought me fear, overwhelm, a crazy sense of not wanting to be in the situation. But once I put my faith, trust and love into it, I became limitless.

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